Who stole ME?

Who stole “Me” is an odd question until you realise it is at the core of much of the mental illness, we see every day as counsellors and therapists.  If you are self-harming, addicted or suffering from anxiety it may seem stranger still. 

One of the early lessons that I encountered in my training was that we are mostly born wonderful, beautiful human beings, full of promise and childhood wonder. Open to making sense of every encounter. And I mean every encounter, which evidence shows, may well include the process of birth itself. Work by authors such as Stanislav Grof have explored the impact of peri-natal experiences such as a protracted birth process which in effect starts life with a trauma. Trauma, whenever it is encountered, stops normal development and replaces it with rapidly learned survival skills.

At birth we expect the eyes of those who are responsible for our care, to reflect warmth, love and reassurance. If that is not the case then again, our development starts us on a quest as to how we can achieve that response. The development is diverted from open wonder to sensing danger and needing defence. We feel threatened, although we have no idea what the word means.  What will bring a ready smile, a nod of approval, from the individual who is responsible for our safety, nourishment and care?  In effect we have started to become somebody other than the “Me” that was born full of trust and curiosity.

As we start our journey into nursery school there is a deluge of new sensations. New faces to monitor, other children competing for attention and care. If we have siblings, this is a lesson we may have already started to navigate.  We start to develop a series of behaviours that ensure we continue to feel safe, wanted and secure.  Our brain has started to catalogue people, objects and experiences into those which support our desire to be well and happy and those that we become wary of and need to deploy a recently learned skill to navigate around . We are starting to build the database, against which we will compare situations to see if they represent danger or are supportive and safe. An instinctive reaction that has its home in our brain stem.

These early learning encounters are common across the globe and are fundamental to the formation of our future life. In Western developmental psychology they may represent the “Primal Wound” that sets foundations for our developing, potentially addictive personality. In Eastern traditions it may be seen as a blocked or damaged Base Shakra. Our childhood GPS has been re-programmed to avoid “Road works or road closures”.  The perfect “Me” now has some additional coping software uploaded and possibly some essential lessons missed. We have in effect skipped some life-classes.

As we grow up, we are conscious of our surroundings. We are interlinked with them. Our surroundings influence us, and we have an impact on them in a dynamic dance.  In a domestic setting we are conscious of the dynamics between our parents or caregivers. If we sense that as harmonious and loving, we feel supported to develop and grow. When we sense the relationship as stormy or even violent, we adapt and find ways that keep us safe. We stay quietly out of the way, or we adapt our behaviour to avoid creating any friction or upset. Part of our development has been diverted to learn coping skills. Children brought up in a war zone, or within a dysfunctional family might find this is a major part of their development. Other lessons such as social interaction or curiosity may be overlooked in favour of learning how to keep the peace or avoid feeling threatened.  Once again “Me” has become altered because of the interaction with surroundings.

 A counsellor may not be spending their time helping you cope with trauma, a sense of anxiety or feeling of low self-worth. You have already done that. The counsellor’s role becomes one of teaching you to trust, find peace in nature and recognise that true “You” that has become re-programmed by your environment.  It is not that you have become damaged, it is that circumstances have forced you to learn different skills that are no longer required and there are other skills that are now more appropriate.

When we become aware that there is a gap between who we are and who we were born to be, be feel a sense of anxiety. When we are left with unresolved trauma, we feel anxious.  If a dominant personality has in the past or is currently, stopping us being “Me” then anxiety stays. Anxiety is largely an indication of the gap between the life you are or have been living and your true sense of self.  A counsellor`s task is to help you resolve that tension.

Once we understand these causes of anxiety we can see that medication on its own is unlikely to help us re-learn to be authentic. Talk therapy can help you rediscover and connect with your true sense of “Me”.