Men and Stress

“Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional”   Buddhist Saying.

We know that men do not get stressed. However, from time to time they feel exhausted, do not want to eat and get snappy with their partners. They surf the TV channels and feel that they cannot cope with one more thing.  They have no spare capacity. They are probably not sleeping properly, have lower back pain and no appetite. They stop initiating sex and find themselves getting irritated by their kids. They will tell you that they are not stressed, they just need a good night’s sleep and everything will be fine. They may notice that they are drinking a bit more and that they would probably rather snack on sweet food than have a proper meal. But men do not get stressed. They just carry on as best they can as they need to pay the bills, and they probably will not talk about holidays as the car needs servicing and there are other pressures.

We know that the largest group reaching out for help with their mental health to our clinic are female and over fifty-five.  They are worried about their future and what is happening in their relationships. They see their partners distracted, distant and non-communicative.  They are reaching out for help because their partners will not. It is a myth. Men do get stressed. Really stressed. They are just too stubborn to do anything about it.

Men who do manage to reach out for help put stress and then anxiety top of the list. Much of the time they simply do not understand that the basket of symptoms they are experiencing are all linked and part of a stress reaction. The interaction of stress, anxiety and depression are poorly understood by individuals and even by some medical professionals. Many men think that if they reach out, they will be given anti-depressants and be told to take up yoga or Pilates. They view much of the advice on offer as patronising. And some of it is. Men do get stressed, and it kills. Professional counsellors and life coaches like me are trained to help clients regain a sense of control and stop that basket full of symptoms. Clients and their partner and those close to them will benefit. It is an unfortunate side effect of stress that the blood flow to our heads is reduced so we do not think as clearly. If clients get back some control and stop the stress reaction they can probably navigate the issues that are causing the problem.

It can be a big step for some men to reach out for professional help.  They may unload to their barber or a friend in the gym but will not start that conversation that is capable of changing lives, relationships and business outcomes. The conversation that starts off “I don’t suppose you can help but …?’   Farmers, accountants, and even GPs experience the same reaction to the world when it seems to throw just that bit too much at us. Top that off with political turmoil, financial uncertainty, and the various impacts of climate change and more of us than ever need a bit of understanding and support.

I am writing this blog for our Choose Wellness website in the hope that I can persuade more men to recognise that counselling is not a sign of weakness but an indication of the strength and willingness to invest in their own health and the wellbeing of their family.  Yes, I am a qualified counsellor and life coach but that has not always been so.

I started as an engineer and an entrepreneur, starting and running a number of tech companies involved in the North Sea and in the water industry.  I became interested in the impact of stress on the human body, my body, and the engineer in me wanted to understand what was happening to me.   I was suffering from  most of the symptoms described above. I stared to keep a stress diary where I noted when I was the most stressed and when I was the least and the events that might be causing me these issues.  I realised early on that working all hours to support a lavish lifestyle was not working for me.  I also realised that if I did not make some major changes to my life, I would probably be seriously ill or dead within ten years. That had no appeal. So, I got some help; made the changes and took myself back to university, determined to help others.

I am appealing to any engineers, farmers or others who know deep down that something needs do change, to reach out. Come and have a chat. Think about the conversations you are not having with your partner, your bank or your doctor. Stress is a reaction to the sense that we are in a threatening situation. If we cannot do anything about the situation, we can change our perception sufficiently to change our reaction and gain control of our life again.  This is where my years of training since closing my last engineering business, and experience can help.

Seriously, you can change your own health and probably the wellbeing of those around you for the commitment of a bit of time and some cash.  Men do get stressed; they just do not want to talk about it or ask that question. So, if this resonates with you then email me to start a conversation and get back control of your life. Remember, it starts “ I do not know if you can help me but…..”.

[email protected]

Ian McDonald

July 2025